


oh darling this isn't satisfaction

by Katieanna15



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Demi-gender, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Trans Alex, Trans Alexander Hamilton, demi-boy, johns aggressively caring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-08
Updated: 2016-09-08
Packaged: 2018-08-13 19:37:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7983670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katieanna15/pseuds/Katieanna15
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>alex questions his gender and john is loving.</p>
            </blockquote>





	oh darling this isn't satisfaction

Alex stared at himself in his vanity mirror, trying to keep from falling in to a full-fledged panic attack. His family had worked so hard to help him transition and he had given up so much to transition and John would hate him. That was the worst part. His John was so gay and so proud and if he let John figure out that he wasn't even sure if he was a guy anymore John would hate him. Of course he'd hate him, Alex hated himself for even thinking this way. Oh god, John was coming over soon. Oh god he couldn't lie to John. He would have to call and cancel, there was no way John could ever find out. 

“ Hey babe, Laf said I could just come up.” 

Alex spun around in shock and terror at the sound of his boyfriend, John Laurens, entering his bedroom.

“Babe?” John asked, obviously noticing how distraught his boyfriend was. “Are you ok?” He asked, a little quieter, as he moved to hold Alex's face in his hands. “You’re crying.” 

Alex moved his hands to his face. When had he started crying? John was still looking at him with his big eyes that were so full of love, love that wouldn't be there, couldn't be there, if he ever found out. Alex moved his hands down to hold onto John’s wrists, trying to hold onto that feeling of being loved. He was being selfish. John was gay. John wanted, deserved, to be with a man who knew he was a man.

“Hey, hey Alex baby, let's go lay down, yeah.” John said, slightly panicked as his boyfriend started crying even harder.

John moved them both to the bed and managed to Alex to sit down with him.

“Can you tell me what's wrong baby? Please?” He asked, in the same loving, gentle voice as before. Alex shook his head violently as he started hyperventilating again.  
“Ok, ok shh, sweetheart it's ok, your ok,” John said, not losing anytime in pulling his panicked boyfriend into his arms and laying down with him.

John started stroking Alex's hair and whispering what normally would have been calming phrases in his ear. However all Alex could think about was how John would never hold him again, and how John almost never used his name, he was always baby or sweetheart or something else just as cute and that just made him cry harder. 

“Oh sweetheart,” John exclaimed, moving so he was balanced above Alex. “It's going to be ok honey, you’re safe, yeah? Can you try and match my breathing baby, can you do that for me?” He said, moving Alex's hand to his chest and putting his own hand on Alex's heart. It took some time, but eventually Alex started to come down from his panic attack. John moved so that Alex was lying on his chest before deciding that he needed to know what was bothering his boyfriend so much.

“Alex,” John said, softly and as non-threatening as he could manage. “Can you please tell me what's wrong, honey?” 

Alex just turned his head into John's chest. “You'll hate me.” He mumbled into John. 

“I could never hate you.” John said, kissing his boyfriends head. “Whatever it is it can't be as bad as you think, ok?” He said, rubbing Alex's arms slowly.

Alex held onto John as tightly as his tired body could handle. He was so tired, and John didn't deserve to be lied to. He needed to just tell him. Just accept that he could never be what John wanted and let him go find someone who could. He was going to miss John more that he could even imagine.

“I don't think I'm a real guy, John. I'm so sorry. I know your not going to want to be with me any more and that's ok, I understand.”

“Sweetheart, first of course I want to be with you get rid of that dumb thought. Second, I don't understand, what do you mean you don't think you're a real guy? Did someone say something? Cause I'll kill them.” John said, barely pausing to breath.

“No, no one said anything, I just don't always feel like a guy. Like most of the time I do, or at least I feel masculine but sometimes I just don't feel all the way there and sometimes I don't feel like I   
have a gender at all.” As he finished this confession Alex rolled off johns chest and hid his head in shame.

Alex felt arms encircle him from behind and he felt John pressing little kisses to the back of his neck. 

“Baby,” John started, carful not to scare Alex. “It sounds to me like you might be Demi-gender.”

“I don't know what that is.” Alex said slowly, still trying to process that John hadn't left him in disgust. 

“From what I understand, it's pretty much what you just described, it's when you feel like mostly one gender but not all the way. I think it's kind of in the middle of agender and, in your case, male. And it definitely doesn’t mean you’re any less of a guy if that’s how you’re feeling, ok sweetheart?”

“But the Washingtons have given up so much so I could transition, I've given up so much so I could transition and now their gonna hate me. And your gay, you deserve someone who can be what you want.” Alex let out in one huge breath, feeling the urge to start crying again welling up. 

“Sweetheart, I don't want or deserve anyone but you, exactly how you are. Hell, I'm the one who doesn't deserve you. You’re so incredibly strong and you've been through so much but you never let it make you hard. And as far as you transition goes are you happier now then before?” John said rolling Alex back over and kissing all around Alex's neck.

“I mean, of course, but-”

“No. No buts. If your happy that's all that matters, ok babe.” Alex didn't reply, just nuzzled into John’s chest.

“Babe? Understand? All any of us want is for you to be happy, yeah?”

“Yeah, yeah ok.” Alex started crying again but this time they were happy, relieved tears. He had a word for how he was feeling and John wasn't going anywhere. Things were going to be ok.

“I love you” Alex mumbled, still crying quietly.

“I love you too, sweetheart. Now let's get your binder off before you hurt yourself and we can watch Netflix or something, yeah?”

“Yeah, yeah ok.” Alex replied quietly. “Hey,” he said, grabbing John’s arms before he could get up, “I really, really love you.”

“And I really, really, really love you, babe.”

Alex smiled tiredly; he was going to be ok.


End file.
